


sharp teeth and three hearts

by hyksieji



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Nonbinary Character, Trans Female Character, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:07:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25916347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyksieji/pseuds/hyksieji
Summary: It’s almost a whole year after Silva’s arrest when Killua comes home.If Kalluto were a more emotive person, he might've squealed with joy. Killua! Killua is back, to take the position of the heir, and everything will be okay again. He’ll finally have his brother back. That night, he goes to bed blissfully and sleeps till morning. He does not dream that night, because Zoldycks do not put any faith into dreams, but if he did, it would be of monsters.(as a tiny kid, he read story-books about unholy witches and beasts with needle teeth and lethal claws and predatory eyes being slain by feeble heroes. the wicked creatures were sent to sleep with honeyed words and hushed tones, before dying to an unexpected sword in the heart(s).)Or: One Kalluto Zoldyck and the concept of 'family.'
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Kalluto Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kalluto Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 30
Kudos: 158





	sharp teeth and three hearts

Kalluto is ten years old when Killua runs away to live with his friends.

He leaves him and Alluka behind, and the latter crawls into his bed with eyes shiny with tears.

Before long, the family dynamics become strange(r). Illumi has long since left the house, and even as a child Milluki holed himself within his room to the point of irrelevance. His mother, however, takes to doting on Silva and bullying Alluka.

Their mother calls Alluka (and Nanika, his brain supplies) ‘it.’ He recognizes the meaning behind the words, the slow dehumanization that the Zoldyck matriarch inflicts. He knows that as a Zoldyck, he will have to inflict strategies of this sort as well, once he reaches adulthood. 

But he’s only ten as he watches Alluka cry before being dragged down to the padlocked basement.

And maybe he won’t care as an adult, but he grabs onto his mother’s leg-of-mutton sleeves and chases her sweeping steps, and begs her to let Alluka out, that she would be good-

She stops in her steps to look at him.

“That thing in the basement isn’t your brother, much less a sister.” He nods. It makes sense when Mother tells him that, and he repeats his pleading, except this time he refers to Alluka with the pronoun he.

She smiles at him. It is too kind, saccharine sweet, and he greedily commits it to memory.

“That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” Her voice is proud, and she gives him a brush of fingers on his head as she leaves. He thinks about asking her for a kiss on the forehead but squashes the thought before it can fester.

He doesn’t ask about Alluka again, but for the next couple of weeks, he hears ugly, aching wails throughout the night.

He wishes for a family that was like other families. Like the ones in sitcoms or those shonen anime that Milluki binges.

  
  


Milluki, even before Killua leaves is- weird. Mother scolds him for referring to his brother like that in public, but he sees the curl of her lip whenever she interacts with him. 

He tries to copy the look in the mirror. Mother will not accept anything but perfection, and isn’t she the epitome of perfection?

A vile part of him internally scoffs at Milluki’s sniveling demeanor. An even more sinful part of him pities him.

Mother holds Milluki’s internet access hostage, and he screams and rages and cries for it back. Mother promises that she will, that this is for his good, that when he finally finishes making malware she will return it. 

His eyes are bright as he tells her that she’s being a little harsh on Milluki. Right then, the scolding is justified, and he feels proud for speaking up because being assertive is part of being a Zoldyck. 

His mother goes still, and then she smiles and agrees with Kalluto. She gives Milluki his access back. She then takes Kalluto into another room and backhands him across the cheek for being ungrateful.

“I give you- no, not just you, this whole family my everything,” she says, her voice soft and sad. “And you choose to question my parenting? I thought you were better than that. Everyone in the world suffers at least a little bit of pain, and here you are complaining?”

“I’m sorry.”

“And you can’t even properly apologize to me?”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he lets his eyes burn with unshed tears. “I promise I won’t do it again.”

And he does mean it. The guilty feeling coalesces in the middle of his gut, and he wonders if he could die from it.

She sighs, before waving him away. “You really are troublesome, aren’t you? I never had any of these problems with Killua or Illumi.” 

  
  


As a kid, he once crept into Illumi’s room, on a quest for imported chocolates. It was the night that Mother had thrown out Illumi’s figure skates, and there he was, curled up into himself, chest heaving with unspoken agony.

The only things that adorned the walls back then were medals from skating. An old pair of crutches leaned against the closet door, from when Illumi had broken his ankle and couldn’t walk. To this day, Kalluto does not know why his brother continued skating as long as he did- Illumi had always been skittish, only taking on courses that he was proficient in or predisposed to.

Kalluto remembers standing rigid at the edge of the doorway, before tip-toeing out the door. (If he had stood there any longer, he might have tainted the only parts of his eldest brother that weren’t hazardous to the touch. The only parts that weren’t vivisected and smoothed over, turned into pretty pin-up taxidermy on the wall.)

Illumi went away to business school on a scholarship a month later. The room was cleared out. Mother asked him to visit, but he declined most times. He thinks that maybe Illumi’s still resentful about having the position of the heir being handed over to Killua.

Every time Mother looks at him, he wonders if she sees watered down parts of Killua. It was an open secret that she loved Killua the most. That was just a fact of life, like roses being red and the dragon statues lining the mansion being made from stone.

Killua. Born with a natural aptitude for practically everything, the only person in the family to inherit Silva’s hair and eyes.

He remembers Killua praising his origami, remembers Killua calling him pretty, remembers long days together on the family estate.

He remembers calloused fingers ruffling his hair, rowdy laughter ringing through the courtyard.

Maybe if Killua came back, their family could feel like a family again. 

His fingers tremble.

Two months after Killua leaves, Silva gets arrested. Mother sobs and grieves and the cowardly butlers take to avoiding her whenever they can.

Milluki stops complying with most of the things Mother asks from him. He’s begun setting up routers of his own within the house and sometimes blatantly laughs at Mother when she threatens him. He refuses to come out, even if it’s for business propositions.

Mother begins bringing him to meetings in Milluki’s stead. 

She will sometimes leave him alone with her partners, who examine him like he’s some kind of exotic animal. 

He wants to beg his mother to stop, that he doesn’t like having to allow old men to brush their fingers against his thigh, that he feels sick whenever they make a passing mention at how pretty he is.

He used to take satisfaction in his looks when the only people privy to them were his family. In front of these strangers, however, he is not Kalluto. He is one of the Zoldyck spawn, practically a designer child.

His fingers itch.

It would be disgraceful to not endure it. His mother is so loving, so good to him, so it makes sense he would have to go through tribulations for her love. 

It is around this time that the slow dismissal of the household servants begins. The doorman leaves first, and he offers Kalluto a sad smile before he exits the gates for the last time.

One of the butlers spread a rumor in town.

People learn about a child locked in a basement, and they know better than he does that children shouldn’t be treated like that.

His mother flies into a rage. She fires almost all of the staff, but not before spreading a counter-rumor that the butlers were conspiring to steal valuables from the family mansion. 

On one of the rare times that he’s able to talk to Alluka, she looks at him sadly. He asks her why she can’t make Nanika go away, why she wants to be called a girl by their mother so badly.

She looks as if she’s about to cry, and he doesn’t know what he would feel if she did, only that it would be unbecoming.

So he takes one of her hands in his and tells her she’ll always be a girl to him, and that their mother will come around eventually. 

She throws back her head and laughs. The sound is filled to the brim with a terrible longing, and he realizes that he’s heard the same variation when Killua first left, the only difference being that she was crying then. 

The laughter fades out.

Alluka tells him she loves him, but he doesn’t believe her. 

She’s never (laughed? cried?) over him like that.

Milluki gets an invitation to teach at a prestigious tech academy. Kalluto doesn’t know why they’d let a minor teach, but he grudgingly admits that Milluki is talented enough to deserve the position. Their mother is beside herself with excitement for the potential connections this opportunity could bring, and she urges Milluki to take both the apprentice butlers with him. 

“For safety,” she says.

“So we can check to see if he continues his work on the malware some of the lady’s partners requested,” Amane says, as she packs up her stuff alongside Canary. She slips him a few pieces of hard candy, and he waves them off as they leave the mansion property.

He’s not going to miss them, because they aren’t family. 

Not long after Milluki and the remain leaves, Mike goes missing. His mother mutters things under her breath about ‘that damned dog’ and ‘must’ve been the guardsman.’ 

When he goes to investigate what might’ve happened, he finds one of Alluka’s hair baubles by Mike’s chain. 

He stomps on it, and the cheap plastic splinters beneath his heel.

It’s almost a whole year after Silva’s arrest when Killua comes home.

If Kalluto were a more emotive person, he might've squealed with joy. Killua! Killua is back, to take the position of the heir, and everything will be okay again. He’ll finally have his brother back. That night, he goes to bed blissfully and sleeps till morning. He does not dream that night, because Zoldycks do not put any faith into dreams, but if he did, it would be of monsters.

(as a tiny kid, he read story-books about unholy witches and beasts with needle teeth and lethal claws and predatory eyes being slain by feeble heroes. the wicked creatures were sent to sleep with honeyed words and hushed tones, before dying to an unexpected sword in the heart(s).) 

The basement door is busted open, the padlocks broken. And while his mother screeches and cries he wonders what the sick feeling in his chest is, why it threatens to gnaw away at his very heart. 

He sees Alluka at school and has to force himself to look away lest that little behemoth in his chest grows. Whenever her eyes alight upon him, she tries to talk to him.

“Kalluto-” she begins, and he can practically feel his mother laugh at her. The imaginary version of his mother clasps her hands around his ears and lets Alluka’s flimsy words drone into the background. He waits until her mouth stops moving, and sneers at her.

“If you mean to tell me that you want to come back- it’s of no use. You’re practically dead to Mother.”

A sigh. “Kalluto, I don’t want to come back.”

“I expected as much. You were never much of a Zoldyck now, were you.” she flinches and goes violently red, and for a split second he thinks she’s mad. Then she turns around and runs, and heavy guilt fills him. He might’ve even apologized if the creature living within his chest didn’t eat the feeling whole, warping it into something he does not think he could name.

He once sees Killua at the pick-up/drop-off station outside of the school. He considers talking to him, but as soon as Kalluto is in his line of sight his lip curls and he backs away. He doesn’t know what this face means, doesn’t know what it could even begin to imply when Killua is the one wearing it. The gorgon in his ribcage paralyzes him, makes him just stand as Alluka rushes towards Killua.

And he grins at her when Alluka hugs him, and she smiles back, and they leave the school premises with him staring after his two siblings who are still able to move. 

His mother is out of the house often. While he knows that it’s mostly due to meetings with prospective associates, she more often than not comes back with the distinct smell of alcohol on her breath. Some part of Kalluto thinks that she can’t stand the silence that settled over the household after his brothers left. If he’s being honest, she probably can’t stand the house without Killua.

He takes over some of the more medial tasks of the family, recording trades, bribes, emails, potential blackmail. His mother takes the sheaf of papers and looks down at him with pride. 

“There you go, Kalluto dearest. You’re learning so fast.” and he beams, and he stretches his arms out for a hug before they are slapped away and she turns to go into her study.

“Maybe one day you’ll be as good at Kil when he was your age. He learned to get over hugs when he was a toddler!” and that little abomination in his chest purrs. 

They do an abuse seminar at school, in health class. Due to one of the teachers being on maternity leave, his and Alluka’s classes were merged, and he eyes her at the corner of the room, sitting next to a boy he recognizes as Zushi.

The session starts with a voice clip playing. No video is shown to protect the victim’s anonymity, but he recognizes it instantly. 

Killua.

Killua starts with an unnamed eldest brother who constantly smothered him and thought it was love and his only sister who was mistreated. He then goes to talk about immense pressure from his family to do something he never was interested in.

He leaves out the parts in which he was tied up and beaten.

Alluka is crying, and he imagines her tears drowning everyone in the room. She rests her head on Zushi’s shoulder and he goes a bright red. Kalluto is no idiot, recognizes what the gestures mean-

(has anyone ever looked at you like that? has anyone ever cried over you like that?)

His mother is waiting for him when he gets home, and she asks him to go shopping for her, that she’s busy with work. He nods, and her face lights up. He wants her to hold him, but as she’s already given him so much today, how could he ask for more?

When he comes back home he hears movement from the kitchen. And there his mother is, hair still perfectly coiffed, pots and pans on the floor and glass shards broken. She looks at him and he sees no recognition in her eyes. 

She stumbles toward him, hands reached out to- he runs. He runs, tripping over his own feet, and locks himself in the nearest room. He pushes a chest of drawers in front of the door just in case.

What just happened? His mind reels, trying to process what occurred. He paces the room, counting his steps. He feels dirty. There was no valid reason to run away from his mother, beautiful, kind, forgiving mother. He wants to slice his skin to shreds, wants to crush his bones into powder, and probe at his flesh till it falls off his skeleton. The pacing has made him exhausted, and he falls asleep on one of the spare futons he found in the closet.

He examines the room more closely in the morning and finds a box of his dad’s old cigarettes. Silva hadn’t used them in favor of cigars, which is why the box is nearly full. The drawers also have a lighter in them, and he flicks it on and off. The flame is eager and fierce and in a moment of delirium he lights the cigarette and pulls up his kimono and presses it down on his skin.

It burns. He expected it, considering that he had just held something involving fire and fire burns, but the sizzle of skin is harsh to his ears. 

(he repeats the action once, twice, thrice. killua wouldn’t have cried, he knows that. illumi wouldn’t have cried. alluka probably wouldn’t have cried, and even if she might’ve, what does it matter? her hands were bloody and raw from beating at the basement door. she’d be too focused on that pain rather than a measly little burn.)

By the end of the day, ugly circles line his legs. He pokes at one, presses down hard enough he nearly screams. It hurts, it hurts, and some part of him is proud of being able to hurt, wants to show Killua that he also has scars. He opens up his laptop to figure out how to disinfect burns and ignores the ache in his legs.

He limps for the next few days. There’s a three-day weekend from school, so he wears his usual kimonos around the house. The cold silk feels nice against his legs, and the unrestrictiveness of it is a welcome feeling. The cigarette box burns a hole in his sleeves, but he doesn’t take it out. He finds a few more singles in Milluki’s room and stores them along with the lighter in a little porcelain chest in his room.

(he’s young when illumi gets him the box for his birthday. the box is painted with little pink flowers around the edges. he adores it. 

it’s strange to think that weird, overbearing illumi could get him a gift such as this one, but he remembers that the eldest zoldyck sibling is the same brother who taught him how to braid hair and tie his obi. 

killua had bought him a new pack of origami paper, including one paper that he had custom-ordered. coincidentally, it was just the right size to fit within the box.

alluka got him a paper fan she had folded herself, and even though the paper was warped and crinkled where she had pressed too hard, he found it gorgeous. she had gone by he/him pronouns at the time, and their family has no idea about nanika, so she was free to roam around the mansion.

alluka was his favorite person, during that period. the best thing since mountain folds and sliced bread.

back then, killua, alluka, and he was all a trio. this relationship eventually splits off into killua and alluka and himself, with him being a tagalong.

or maybe he was always a bystander, and never noticed it until it was too late.)

He empties the content of the box in exchange for the lighter and cigarettes. 

The monster in his body laughs and laughs and laughs.

He considers trashing the fan and the paper, but something stops him. He ends up putting them inside of his desk drawer, where some of the origami he had made with Killua’s paper resides.

The tv blaring in the living room shows a broadcast about a new crime syndicate going on the rise, by the name ‘Phantom Troupe.’ He watches with a moderate amount of interest as the reporter says that they had recently stolen a bunch of valuable items that were supposed to be going on auction.

He has a final health class abuse seminar with Alluka, except this time they learn how to recognize signs of child abuse.

A twisted part of him entertains the idea that it might apply to his mother.

He feels sick for the duration of the entire discussion. Alluka turns to glance at him halfway through, and he wonders if she can tell his insides are molded over and rotting, if she can see the bloodthirsty devil in his heart.

Summer break comes in with a sticky heat. Milluki sends a letter to his mother detailing how he will be staying at the college campus over break. Illumi is having an overseas vacation with his fiance Hisoka, and Killua and Alluka don’t come back. His mother will be swamped with meetings all over the country, and Kalluto is left home for a solid four months. 

And he loves it. He plays the soundtracks of Studio Ghibli movies and binges shoujo animes. He folds more origami and only imagines himself dying an awful death in his mother’s arms twice. He falls in love with the movie Ponyo and the anime Kamisama Kiss, watching them with the air conditioning high and a thin blanket wrapped around him.

The creature in his chest is silent, and he wonders if it is content.

He burns himself once more before guilt overcomes him, and he makes a spur-of-the-moment decision to not do it again.

He peels the wrapper off the box and cuts it up into confetti, before throwing it into the garbage disposal.

He does not think about any of his siblings.

(when his monster opens it’s maw he hears killua.)

  
  


His mother has a meeting with a few guests. She’s running late due to traffic from the airport, and he tells her that he can entertain them for the first few minutes. Her voice isn’t proud, merely empty as she tells him that he should. She hangs up the call.

He looks down at his phone, the only two contacts on it being Illumi and his mother, and he wishes for something he knows he can never have.

He sets a pot of water to boil and decides on oolong for whatever guests they have. His favorite tea is matcha, but he knows some people tend to turn away from the vivid green. Once the tea finishes steeping, he pours it into a pretty ceramic teapot with baby blue and gold accents.

As he gets ready for the meeting, he wonders what variety of old white men in suits he’ll see today. Corrupt ones, or ones who genuinely believe that the Zoldycks are people who work on the legal side of business affairs.

He walks into the room and sees a group of people. He’s struck by the unbecoming urge to laugh because everyone in the room looks straight out of a comic book.

The person he assumes to be the leader, a stately man with an ugly tattoo on his head, smiles at him. The expression is soft and sweet, and he feels himself categorizing the look as safe, greedily clutching it to his heart and letting the freak in his chest gorge itself.

“Who’re you? Wasn’t the hag supposed to meet us? I knew she might be late but I was at least expecting the dead-eyed freak.” Kalluto’s brain takes a second to comprehend the words, before realizing the man is referring to his mother and Illumi.

“Lay off, will you Nobunaga?” Another voice chimes in. He looks over and sees a girl with badly-dyed pink hair, and (he’s so out of his depth what the hell does he do????)

The leader rolls his eyes and sighs. “I’m Chrollo Lucilfer, sorry about them. Are you Kalluto? We’ve heard a lot about the Zoldyck children and were just expecting your brother or your mom.”

“Illumi is out on vacation, and Mother is running late from the airport. Would you like some tea?” He’s panicking. He likes the leader a lot, wants to curl up in his lap and listen to his voice for hours on end. But he also has no idea what to do- old white men are easy for someone such as him to deal with because they require boring small talk and not much else. 

They also tend to be decently sized, instead of monstrously huge or strangely small. He has no clue who these people are, but they make him feel tiny in both presence and actual size. 

The group seems to be content with the idea of tea, so he fetches a teapot.

He pours them the oolong he prepared earlier. 

He asks them who they are.

Chrollo smiles. “You may know us as the Phantom Troupe.” Kalluto does not spill a single drop of tea, but his hands tremble nevertheless.

He’s in the presence of legends, and he’s struck with awe at how cool these people are. 

One of the members seems to notice his flabbergasted demeanor. “So you’re a fan? We don’t get many of those, believe it or not.” the person tilts their head. “My name is Shizuku, they/them pronouns.” their voice is melodic and it sounds like melting caramel and Kalluto likes them so much, wants them as his family. 

Then he realizes what they just said.

“What?” a few of the members tense, but Chrollo waves a hand in their direction, instantly stopping anyone from saying anything. 

(alluka tells him that she’s a girl and that he should call her she/her. he nods and says he’ll also call her sister, and she beams.)

“I- I didn’t know people could do that.” Shizuku smiles at him.

“If you wanted to, you could do it as well.” And with this, his mother sweeps into the room, all sharp cheekbones. He takes it as his cue to leave and doesn’t look back.

He thinks about what Shizuku said well into the night.

A month and a half later, he recognizes one of Killua’s friends- Kurapika- on screen. They’re being hailed a hero for telling the police where the hideout of the infamous Phantom Troupe was.

The complex had mysteriously caught on fire, killing a few of the members. He sees Uvogin’s corpse on the factory floor and wants to vomit.

He thinks about a rumor he had heard roughly a month ago, about the Kurta family. Something about how their prized rubies had been stolen, driving the whole family to debt, and eventually death.

Most of the members who made it out alive were shown in chains, but Kalluto feels a sense of relief when the broadcaster states that neither Machi, Chrollo, or Shizuku was found. 

He leaves the house more and more often. He holes up in the library with dusty tomes and books, anything to get away from his mother. The creature in his chest has learned how to speak, and it sings mocking praises of his cowardice, his ungratefulness to the one member of the family who loves him.

He imagines drowning in books, being left with musty pages over the weekend, and he finds he doesn’t mind the thought as much as he should. His mother always wants him home early, though, so he rips himself away from sad heroines and sadder villains.

He also reads about mothers and motherhood. 

He reads about them because mothers are all he knows other than being a Zoldyck.

Mothers are lovely, angelic, and kind, and he is so lucky to have one of his own.

Stories like  _ The Joy Luck Club, Story of Your Life, _ and his personal favorite,  _ The Namesake  _ make up his reading list at the library _. _

The librarian who works weekdays is a mother. He listens to her talk to the other staff members about her newborn, and her normally stern voice becomes softer and sweeter.

The librarian has careful hands, fit for caressing the covers of a book. He wishes she would use her hands to hold his.

It’s raining one day when his mother demands he come home, and as he checks out a few books, the librarian clucks her tongue at him. 

“Are you going out in this weather? You might catch a cold.”

He shyly shakes his head yes.

“Kids these days- you all have no sense of self-preservation!” she reaches behind the library counter and pulls out a black umbrella, adorned with cherry blossom patterns in peach and cream. She shakes it at him. “I insist.”

He clutches it like it’s a lifeline, and when he arrives home, his mother doesn’t ask why he carries an umbrella that isn’t his.

(he wants her as his mother because he is a repugnant mess of a human being.) 

He doesn’t feel fully human, like that thing in his chest finally managed to settle within his bones and merge itself with his skeleton.

His mother dresses him up and parades him around, the single remaining Zoldyck child. She sings to him, songs about mockingbirds, lost love, and anger.

“Kalluto- Kalluto dearest, come here.” And he does, stands in front of her on her big plush armchair and lets her maneuver him to his liking. “You know that you’re the only one I have left, right?” he nods. “Promise me that you can’t live without me, Kalluto- promise me.”

“I promise.” His voice sounds more monster than human to him.

A week later and Illumi brings a note to his mother. She drags him by the ear and makes him read it with her.

According to the note, Illumi officially has quit the Zoldyck legacy.

His mother tells him to apologize, that their family was perfectly fine until he was born, and he wails into her chest and murmurs sorry over and over. She doesn’t return the embrace.

  
  


It’s the end of the school year when Alluka confronts him. She does it at the end of the day, and he internally thanks her for choosing a quiet time.

“Why do you hate me so much, Kalluto?” and he goes still.

(they used to be so close as kids.)

He opens his mouth, and he doesn’t know what he would’ve said because Zushi and Killua appear from around the corner of the building. Killua snatches Alluka by the arm and yells at him.

“I hate you,” he snarls, “and everything you stand for. You’re just another Zoldyck monster, and you weren’t even treated badly like the rest of us!” he turns tail and leaves, Alluka trying to talk to him as he leaves.

The thing in his bones howls and bites and he isn’t human anymore, is now fully a monstrous entity.

He comes home and the house is empty. The news channel states that his mother has been arrested.

He cries and cries in his mother’s room, tries to push away the ugly feeling of relief. What child is he, to be happy that his mother is in jail? Killua was right, he doesn’t deserve love, and he couldn’t even feel it for the only person who tried to give it to him. He falls asleep in a too-plush bed, and his mother still does not come back.

(the myth has finally settled itself into his body, and it kisses his forehead goodnight.)

  
  


He wakes up to pounding on the door. He opens it and stares into the face of a detective by the name Biscuit Krueger.

She sits him down and tells him that his mother has been found complicit in crimes similar to Silva Zoldyck, and he cannot bring himself to care.

She tells him that he’ll have to participate in a recount of the dealings and abuse that happened within the Zoldyck household and that his other siblings have already agreed to do it.

With a gentler tone, she tells him he doesn’t have to say anything he doesn’t want to.

The interrogation goes as follows:

Illumi brings his fiance to the meeting. Killua and Alluka have brought along their posse, and Milluki shows up with Canary at his back.

He’s the only person in the room alone, and it feels (bad) like nothing.

Milluki starts. Says that their mother forced him to make bombs, which she would then sell to their partners.

Illumi goes next. He speaks of overseas relations to crime syndicates their mother had requested for him to create. He also says that their family considered funding the Phantom Troupe, but nothing had come of it.

Kalluto realizes that he could sell out his mother to get the Spiders a shorter sentence, and he feels sick for caring less about his mother than the Troupe.

He tunes out whatever Killua says. He knows that if he listened, he wouldn’t hear anything he didn’t already know.

Alluka talks about her misgendering, and how she was trapped in the basement for a solid year. Biscuit purses her lips and everyone in the room looks away guiltily.

Biscuit holds her notepad in his direction, and he wonders what he could say. 

He talks about all of the criminal connections his mother had. Biscuit prods him for certain event donors, and he gives names and records. 

She asks them if his mother was funding the Phantom Troupe and he thinks about lying.

Then he thinks of Shizuku and nods a yes.

As the people within the room begin to leave, she asks what he underwent in the household, and he can’t help but smile, the expression causing an ache in his cheeks. Biscuit doesn’t continue to probe.

  
  


Kalluto stays at a hospital for two nights. There’s a nurse who’s assigned to watch him, and she has gentle words and kind eyes. She’s a mother as well, a single mother with an eight-year-old and a sixteen-year-old.

She tells him stories about her family. When he asks why she’s telling him, she laughs and says, “You looked lonely, and it gets dreadfully boring talking to old patients all day.”

He likes how her gaze feels like a blanket, likes how he feels safe with her.

She brings him sheets of paper. They’re plain printer paper and she quickly explains how it’s the only type they had on hand.

“Would you like to learn how to fold origami?” he nods and doesn’t tell her he already knows how.

She finds out anyway, comparing his sharp creases to her less-defined ones. He panics. If his mother ever figured out he was better at her than something, she would seethe and sneer. The only one who she accepted could be more talented than anyone else was Killua, but Killua was the exception to just about everything.

The nurse catches him trying to sabotage himself, and she chides him. 

“You shouldn’t try to make me feel better about my origami by messing up your own! It’s quite alright, I know that I’m terrible at this.

(maybe, if he felt a little more like a person and less like an amalgamation of thoughts, they would want her as a mother.) 

About two days later, he’s told that he can discharge and that somebody is coming to pick him up.

He stands in the parking lot, and he’s surprised to see Killua in the shotgun of a car. His doctor friend is driving, and Alluka and Gon sit in the backseat.

The nurse goes to the car first and tells them something that Kalluto is too far away to hear. He can, however, see their matching frowns, and idly imagines that the nurse is telling them that she’s adopting him instead, and therefore can’t let him go with them.

When he snaps back to reality, he sees Alluka staring right at him, and he startles.

The nurse comes back. He asks if they’re here for him, or somebody else. She looks so incredibly sad as she says, “you, of course. They are your family, after all.” 

He slides into the car, but not before the nurse gives him a big hug. He can’t find it in himself to reciprocate.

“Thank you.” his words are stilted and awkward, but she seems to accept it as she escorts him to the car.

He slips into the backseat, and he feels hollowed out now that the nurse has left.

Gon asks why he was in the hospital, and Kalluto shrugs. He seems like he might talk again, but Alluka pinches his arm and he shuts up.

He can see Killua glancing at him in the rearview mirror. The old Killua would’ve never even looked at Kalluto, much less tried to hide it. He wonders if he sees a threat in him, thinks he might brainwash Alluka into following the Zoldyck legacy again.

If he’s being completely honest, he doesn’t care what Killua thinks. He isn’t human, anymore, and only humans grieve over their sibling’s thoughts.

They arrive at a decent-sized ranch house, and he lets himself get shown to his room. He sees the final resident of the house glance at him, but he avoids making eye contact.

An air mattress is rolled out on the hardwood floor, but the room itself is sparse.

“Holler if you need anything! We look forward to having you here!” He doesn’t understand how Gon has so much energy, or how somebody like Killua deals with him.

He flops onto the mattress and stares at the ceiling for a total of two minutes, before closing his eyes and letting the exhaustion overcome him.

School ended while he was still in the hospital, and Summer comes again with a vengeance.

Kurapika drives them to the manor to get their old things. They stay in the car, and Kalluto wonders if they’re afraid of the mansion.

He skirts around his mother’s room and goes into his own, packing his clothes into a bag Leorio lent him.

He hears Killua’s and Alluka’s voices by the stairwell and decides to eavesdrop on them.

“I despised that basement- and I think Nanika did as well.”

“I’m sorry- I’m so very sorry Alluka. I was a bad brother- I should’ve come to get you out earlier, I shouldn’t have left you there to rot-” he hears a sharp slap ring throughout the empty hall.

“Ni-san. None of this was your fault. You were just a child.”

“And you were too! I’m supposed to be your older brother, Alluka, you can’t just forgive me that easily-”

“Illumi was our older brother, and he didn’t do anything of the sort. You did the best you could’ve, ni-san.” He hears a choked sound from down in the foyer, which then devolves into sniffling.

He peeks over the ledge and sees that Alluka has pulled Killua into a hug. Killua’s arms shake, and Alluka’s eyes are wet with tears. All of a sudden, he feels so incredibly perverse for watching a scene as sacred as this one, and he walks back down the corridor.

He hears them mention his name as soon as he closes the door to that part of the house.

He’s in his mother’s room now, and he duly reminisces of how he’s only been here thrice. Now, when he was a small child, and the night of his mother’s arrest.

His knees wobble and collapse.

(killua and alluka look for him when he doesn’t appear at the meeting point they had agreed on. they find him in the entryway of the room, knees drawn to his chest. alluka reaches for one of his shoulders, and he flinches away. he stumbles away towards the car, and for once killua and alluka are the ones following him.) 

Roughly a month later, Gon’s aunt Mito comes to visit. Everyone in the household seems to be well acquainted with her, and it reflects in their actions. For example, instead of working late into the night, Leorio lets himself be shooed to sleep by her. Kurapika smiles more often, and Killua shows respect towards her that Kalluto cannot remember him showing any adult in the past. Gon is… the same, but he seems to be happier with Mito. Alluka is as friendly as ever.

He has no idea what to feel for her. He observes her interactions with the rest of the house members with a strange sort of detachment. She almost seems like she could be a Zoldyck butler, but she isn’t as obedient. She could be a lady of a house, but her demeanor is too soft.

He’s afraid of her, and it manifests in him leaving the house and only coming back once he’s sure she’s asleep. Manifests in how he doesn’t trust her to be alone with one of Killua’s friends or Alluka.

When he looks at her and sees the way her bangs fall across her face, he feels afraid. That fear is not acceptable for a Zoldyck, and he knows it, but the remnants of the Zoldyck family legacy has clearly stated he wants nothing to do with the business.

So he allows himself to feel afraid. It’s less tiring than being emotionless and lets him indulge in the thought that he might still be a person.

Mito knocks on his door the day before she leaves.

“Would you like to come shopping with us? Your sister has already decided to come and I think she’d be lonely with just me.” he thinks about it and nods a yes.

“That’s great! I was going to ask one of the other boys, but between us, none of them have any fashion sense. Maybe Kurapika, but they’re busy today.” She grins and tells him to meet them at the front door in ten minutes.

It’s his first time in a clothing store buying clothes in colors and styles he knows his mother wouldn’t like.

Don’t get him wrong, he loves his traditional kimonos and mellow colors, but he isn’t well acquainted with the world of fashion and makeup. 

His uncertainty only leads Mito to come forward with suggestions, and he forgets all about the concept of personal space as she pulls his face close and teaches him how to accentuate his best features.

He feverishly fantasizes of a childhood with Mito’s soft, slender hands expertly applying makeup to his face. Her words are blush, lighting, contour, highlights, and she sounds more in-her-element than she ever did scolding Killua for running up the stairs, and he’s captivated by it.

In a moment of weakness, he drags her over to a babydoll slip dress. The style is more form-fitting, the main fabric in bright violet. The sheer luxury of the color enraptures him, and he knows this is his dress. The black lace embellishments are classy and surround the neckline, and he knows instinctively his mother would find it garish. But he wants violet without thinking and finds it so gorgeous he can scarcely look away.

Mito whistles. “I thought you wanted something with a different aesthetic… but if you want my personal opinion? That dress would look gorgeous on you. The size is a little too big, but I’m sure that I can alter it when we get home.” 

When they’re at the checkout lane, he looks in the shopping cart and sees tinted lip stains in dark red and purple. Mito winks.

“Sorry if I was being a little presumptuous, but I doubt you wanted to wear the dress with a bare face. If you don’t want it I can always-”

“No! It’s wonderful, Mito-san. I just wasn’t expecting you to waste so much money on me.”

“Everyone in that house of yours? They probably haven’t had anyone spend money on things they deserve. So,” she begins, flashing him a photo in her wallet of her and Gon, “never say that I am ‘wasting’ money on you.” 

“Also,” she continues, dropping her voice to a whisper, “don’t tell her I told you, but Alluka was the one who said you might like lip product in pretty colors to match with your dress.”

Mito leaves the next night, and everyone waves her bye at the station.

Gon, Leorio, and Killua watch a movie that night. Kurapika is who knows where, and Kalluto is getting ready to fall asleep when Alluka slips into his room. She stares at him for a moment, and he scooches over to one side of the futon, leaving plenty of space for another person. She slides under the blanket with him, and for a minute they both just lie there.

“I can’t sleep alone, anymore.” for once, her voice is dull and quiet, and he finds he doesn’t like it as much as he thought he would’ve. “I used to sleep with Ni-san, but I think he’s getting annoyed with me.” her nose wrinkles. “Also, I don’t want to be with him while he cuddles with Gon. I love him, and I think he’s great for Ni-san, but it’s still weird, y’know?” He has no idea what to do, but he holds out a hand anyways. Alluka grabs it and intertwines their fingers, and it’s the most non-hostile contact they’ve had in a long time.

“What kind of parent would you have wanted?” Alluka asks, and he notices the past tense. 

He stares at his feet and thinks about their mother. Thinks about how everyone else in their family abandoned her. Thinks about how while his older siblings are all stars no matter how brightly they burn, he is a moon. Incapable of creating a light of his own. 

He thinks about how his mother, yet another star, gave her light to him because nobody else would.

He knows that Alluka isn't expecting a response that isn’t a yes or a no, that nobody who has spoken to him in the past month has, but he opens his mouth and whispers, “I already have a mother.”

Alluka doesn’t push the matter any further, nor does she ask why he said mother instead of a parent.

  
  


Leorio Paldiknight is loud and annoying.

He tells him things he’s never told anybody before. He isn’t sure why- maybe he’s assuaged by his medical degree and smooth talk, but he’s mouthy and loud. Maybe he’s just feeling particularly self-destructive.

He tells Leorio and his smug look slips off his face.

He has never considered himself particularly close with anyone outside of his family, and even then, most of his relations with them weren’t as close as he thought they were. And that’s why it comes as such a shock when he entangles him into an embrace.

It’s an even greater shock when he starts crying.

“I’m so sorry,” he rasps out, and nobody has ever told him that before. He’s usually the one apologizing for something or the other, never the receiver of an apology- “I’m so, so fucking sorry.”

He doesn’t know what to do- why is Leorio reacting like this, why is he crying, why does Kalluto feel like crying even though he has no right to be?

He doesn’t tell him in fear he’ll cry harder, and he sobs, “I’m sorry, kid, I’m sorry. You were- you are only a child, you didn’t deserve that. I wasn’t a child when I went through- nobody deserves that.” 

He pats Leorio on the back awkwardly. His grip is crushing, and a part of him never wants the doctor to let go, but his ribs ache in protest.

“Leorio-san,” his voice is garbled and incoherent and so incredibly human. “You’re holding me a little too tight.”

His embrace eases, and suddenly he feels like a baby swaddled in the arms of a parent.

And with that thought? He bawls. Full-on ugly cries, his voice sounding like that of a distressed animal, and Leorio cradles him to his chest and whispers words he cannot fully comprehend.

“I’m sorry for inconveniencing you. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.” and his grip gets a little stronger, and his tears are softer.

“You aren’t allowed to apologize for this, Kalluto. I’m not going to hurt you, and you’re safe with me.”

(leorio tells him what it means to be traumatized in hushed tones, over a cup of milk with honey, concerto music playing in the background.)

  
  


Alluka asks him to give her a makeover. He agrees to it, and as he draws on eyeliner, she asks why he hasn’t tried on his dress or lipstick.

“I don’t want just anyone to see me wearing it,” he admits. She’s silent, and he continues, “I want the entire world to see.” She looks astounded at the prospect of him making a joke, and a sly smile creeps onto his lips.

“But you haven’t worn it? I get that you were joking, but why?”

“I don’t want Killua to see me wearing it.” and Alluka looks so very sad. 

“Ni-san doesn’t hate you, y’ know that? I know that he can be stupid and brash in his decisions, but I promise you that he loves you.” he can’t speak, the words getting caught in his throat. He looks down at her fingernails and procures a container of yellow nail polish. The color had looked pastel in the lights of the store, but as the color dries on her nails it looks sickly.

“I think that... I know that he doesn’t hate me.” Alluka hums, waiting for him to continue. “I think that,” his voice wavers. “I think that I’m the one who hates him.”

(why did killua only take alluka with him? was he not good enough?

now that his body has begun to detach itself from the accursed creature, he can see its outline a little more clearly. he sees a set of claws carved out of rage, scales hewed from disappointment. needle teeth gleam with insecurity, and horns of shame and hatred threaten to gore him. the beast’s eyes are angry and riddled with envy, but he can see the material that lies beyond it. despite this, he does not recognize the material, sees a hazy outline he can’t attribute a worldly name to.)

Alluka tilts her head and nods. “That’s valid, I guess. Anyways, come over here and let me do your hair! It’s unfair that I’m the only one who gets to look pretty.”

He can’t help the laugh that overcomes him. “You? Pretty?” she throws a pillow at him, a smile in her eyes. 

When she finishes, he looks in a mirror and sees that she’s pinned it with chunky hair clips. She also paints his nails the same ugly shade of yellow as hers (so we can match!). She applied the lipstick Mito bought to his face, and in a fit of impulse, he tells her to let him dress her. 

“A face that ravishing deserves a nice outfit to go with it.” She beams, and when he’s finished gathering an outfit, she tries it on and beams harder. 

“You put on your dress too! I want to model together.” he flushes, but gets changed into the dress and does a little twirl.

They spend the next hour striking stupid poses and pretending to walk down a runway, and when Alluka trips over her platforms they both giggle. She makes fun of his laugh, and he makes fun of her dumb headband, and he feels euphoric.

Leorio and Kurapika come home in the middle of an argument, which quickly dissipates as they see the pretend red carpet rolled out in the middle of the living room, Kalluto and Alluka still on it. 

Leorio looks stunned while Kurapika looks amused, and because he is still high on a blissful delirium, he asks the latter if they’d like a makeover as well. They arch an eyebrow at the request but accedes.

By the time Gon and Killua come home, both looking strangely flushed, they’re all playing DDR in colorful outfits.

  
  


It’s midnight when he finds Kurapika in the kitchen, staring at a book.

They see Kalluto loitering at the edge of the doorway, and raises a brow.

“What do you want?” They ask, and their voice is cold and hard-edged and he feels like bolting out of the room.

“I- nothing? I don’t know.” He feels too big in the room, and he instinctively knows he isn’t wanted here, he should leave immediately. “I don’t think that I’m allowed to want anything.”

Kurapika’s gaze softens, and they grab one of the sleeves of his kimono before he can slip out of the room. “If you have something you want to ask me, you can. I won’t hurt you.”

Those words that Shizuku told him, words that feel like they’re from another lifetime come to mind. “I don’t think that I’m a boy.” the words feel heavy and wrong, and Kurapika blinks their eyes slowly.

“Are you a... girl?”

(the monster stands before him, a warped version of the classic Zoldyck dragon. even though it has fully left his flesh, he doesn’t fully feel like a human, as if a part of him merged into the monster and he is unable to have it back.)

He can’t speak, so he shakes his head no.

“Is there anything you identify as?”

“I don’t know.” And with those words, he wonders if this is what Alluka felt when she first told him, all those years ago, that she was a girl.

Kurapika nods, slowly. “That’s perfectly fine. Only you need to know what gender you feel like, or if you feel like all of them or none at all.” They purse their lips, before saying, “I didn’t feel quite like something, as well. If you figure out what you are and want to tell us, we’ll all accept you wholeheartedly.” 

He tells Kurapika everything, and their eyes go wide with shock.

“I knew that the Zoldyck household was bad, I’ve heard stories from Killua,” and they clasp their hands around Kalluto’s smaller ones. “You were abused by your mother, I didn’t- I believe you. There are terrible people in the world, and your mother is one of them.”

“But she couldn’t have been! She cared for me, she was the only one at home who did, she loved me.” Their fingers restlessly caress the spine of the book, pages flipping with nervous energy.

“She could’ve loved you, but she didn’t care for you. There’s a difference, and I,” their voice drops, “I think that there are people who care for you and people who love you. But that woman is neither.”

They take a deep breath, before letting it out. “Leorio works with this therapist- Cheadle, I think her name is -and a lot of her patients have been doing a lot better ever since he started going. If you’re comfortable with it, we can set up an appointment with her.”

(he finally learns the meaning of non-binary from kurapika and feels less constricted than he has in ages.) 

  
  


In the second week that he goes to therapy, Killua drives him home. His driver’s license is new and shiny, and Kalluto fiddles with his fingers as it peeks out of Killua’s pocket.

“Aniki?” Killua glances over at him.

“Yeah?” 

“I forgive you.” and with that, it’s as if a dam breaks, because Killua starts crying right then and there. He’s alarmed- Alluka had told him that Killua would have a strong reaction to whatever he said, but Kalluto has never been good with emotional events. Killua pulls over into a Burger King parking lot and parks the car, and he isn’t equipped to deal with crying people, much less Killua crying. 

(the kafkaesque dragon bows its head, before flying off. 

maybe he has permanently lost a part of him to it, but as he watches it fly away, he knows that it’s for the best. he waves it goodbye, and revels in the catharsis.)

He is the one who initiates the hug, drawing his brother’s head to his chest. Killua sobs even harder, and the moment is so uncomfortably vulnerable that it takes everything to not run, run, run.

“I’m sorry, Kalluto. I’ve been a bad brother.” Killua is uncharacteristically sincere, his voice fragile.

“A terrible one. To be honest, there were times I thought you more god than man. That you somehow went through more pain than everyone else in our old house did.” Killua stiffens in his arms and as much as he would like to bolt, he continues. “But I forgive you.” And he wails even harder, and Kalluto realizes that his brother is infinitely more delicate than he had given him credit for.

He resigns to not tell him anything about Kikyo or family as a whole, because his brother might fall apart. 

  
  


Gon Freecss is weird. He’s loud and free-spirited, and while people such as Killua seem to hate these traits in any other person, Gon is the only exception. To an extent, he can understand- Gon’s enthusiasm is unmatched, and he seems to be genuinely caring for the people around him. He has also sat through one of Kalluto’s origami lessons to Alluka, and the sheer fascination showed for the craft was enough to endear Gon to him.

It doesn’t explain why his brother goes bright red around him, though.

He has enough romantic knowledge from binging romcoms into the night that he recognizes a crush for what it is, recognizes the telltale blushes and awkward explanations. He’s also pretty sure he’s seen them attempt the classic ‘let’s slowly inch our fingers closer until they start touching, maybe even reaching the decadent heights of holding hands and think it’s the most intimate thing in the world.’ 

He’s not sure if he’s disgusted or proud at Killua for managing to pull someone like him-

“They aren’t dating already?” From around her creamsicle, Alluka solemnly nods.

“It’s quite tragic. I don’t think Gon knows what it means to crush on someone, and Killua’s,” she makes a wavy hand gesture, “kind of emotionally constipated. It might’ve been funny if I didn’t hear about the fiasco where Killua stalked Gon’s date, the date deciding to ditch him because she didn’t like ‘his weird friend,’ and Gon admitting that he only went on the date to get Killua’s attention? Please agree with me that they’re a little more than your average bromance.”

“You’re right. Question though, why haven’t you guys done anything about it? I’d have assumed you would’ve set up some elaborate trap.” She pouts. 

“I would’ve, but Leorio is too conspicuous to help and Kurapika’s too intimidating to ask.” Her eyes gleam. “But as of recently, I think that I’ve located a potential co-conspirator.” 

While she takes Killua on a trip around town, he takes Gon around town as well. They’ve planned out routes to take so that neither party will come into contact with the other until the end of the day. 

“We should go in there!” A critical misstep in the plan Alluka and him had made was overlooking the fact that he is a massive pushover. No amount of cultivated impassive looks and admiration-through-imitation would ever overcome that gap, and he lets himself get dragged into the open house of a pottery studio.

The studio is open and airy, potted plants taking up an entire corner of the room. The smell of wet clay permeates the air, and Kalluto instinctively wrinkles his nose at it. Gon is staring at ugly pots with sheer wonderment, and for every grimace, Gon is there with a grin. The leader of the event takes notice in their loitering and asks if they’d like to mold a pot as well. Gon immediately agrees before turning pleading eyes to him, and what can he do but say “why not.”

Gon successfully makes a dip platter, and the instructor’s eyes go wide as she acclaims it as professional work.

Kalluto is still stuck on how to make an even circle. The clay keeps ending up sticking to his fingers and the edges of his vase aren’t smooth and he can’t do anything right-

“That’s really cool!” Gon leans over to look at his vase, and his face is one of genuine awe. “I love the wavy pattern you did for the rim.” 

“It isn’t smooth.” And there he is, ruining the moment-

“I can help you out with that!” Gon’s hands brush over the clay edges, rougher than what he had been doing, and by the time he’s finished, a smoother vase lies in the center of the potting machine. 

It isn’t perfect, the inconsistency in the clay’s thickness serving as a focal point for how hideous it looks, but he looks at it and feels warm. Gon’s huge smile also serves as a point in the vase’s favor, so Kalluto resigns himself to having an ugly vase in his otherwise aesthetically pleasing room.

“Hey, Kalluto.” they’re leaving the shop with a promise to come back to pick up their pots from the kiln. As soon as Gon begins speaking, he suddenly remembers the real reason that they came out into town, how he was supposed to walk Gon through his feelings for Killua, and blanches. “I really like your brother, and…” everything else tunes out. Those words were the confirmation that he needed, and as long as everything turned out all right on Alluka’s side, they should be good to go for the second phase of their operation.

The research that Alluka and he had uncovered a festival with romantic connotations happening in the city square. The plan was to meet together and then let Killua and Gon attempt to duke out whatever feelings they had. The supposed prodding about feelings that Alluka and he would perform beforehand should allow for a confession of some sort.

It goes off without a hitch. Alluka makes up some excuse about being tired, and Kalluto offers to walk her home so that Gon and Killua can have some privacy.

(he’s got ten bucks on gon confessing first. alluka shows a little more faith in killua, saying that her brother isn’t a pussy. nanika makes a slight appearance to say that she agrees with him, and while he is startled at her surfacing, he’s glad that she sees reason.)

By the end of the night, the two boys come home stumbling and red-faced. Alluka offers them a thumbs up, and he tells them to make sure they don’t mack on each other in front of him.

  
  


A month later, Alluka is in bed with him again. Leorio and Kurapika chipped in to get a bed frame and an actual mattress, and now he can go to sleep without waking up with backaches in the morning.

Alluka asks him if he still wishes for Kikyo as a mom.

And he stares at his feet and thinks about the nurse in the hospital, of gentle words and kind eyes. He thinks of Mito, with her patient demeanor and joyous laugh. He thinks of Leorio and the  way he talks about his patients with fondness. He thinks of Kurapika, with their stern tone and careful hands. He thinks of Gon and his carefree attitude. He thinks of Killua and Alluka. He thinks of Kikyo.

This time, Alluka is expecting a response. 

“She would pin my hair back with clips or bows and do makeovers with me.” Alluka’s face scrunches, undoubtedly unable to connect the image of Kikyo and makeovers in her mind. He continues- “is what I would stay if I still wanted a mother in her. I think I’ve found something better.” She goes quiet, and he worries his lip between his teeth. 

“I think I’ve found a family.” She snorts.

“That was so cheesy- which Hallmark movie did you steal that line from?” He throws a pillow at her, and she easily catches it before grinning. “But for real? I’m glad.”

He smiles back. “Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I've had kalluto zoldyck stuck in my head for a week now ugh
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated!!


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